Heartbreak and Guilt

Being infertile is complicated.  Mostly emotionally complicated.  Finding someone who is infertile and going through the same treatments as you is a gift.  All of a sudden you are new best friends and confiding everything with each other.  I was fortunate to have three wonderful women, who were acquaintances of mine, go through infertility treatments at around the same time.  Then there was that one person who was only two days ahead of me during my IVF cycle.  She was on her third try and I was on my first.  She was a wealth of knowledge and we spoke in a code only an infertility person can speak in.  We spent early mornings at the clinic together talking, giggling and hopeful.  We spoke of how fun it would be when our babies would be due only two days apart.  It was nothing but optimism and full support of each other.  I was imagining how wonderful our new friendship would be when this was over.  To me, there were only two ways this could turn out.  Either we both would get pregnant or neither of us would get pregnant.  It was a hard hit though when option three came.

We all know that I did not get pregnant.  I was heartbroken.  It is more difficult than you know.  Well, my friend did get pregnant.  Don't get me wrong.  I was happier for her than I can even put into words.  She deserved this so, so, so much, but like I said, in this "game" it is very emotionally difficult.  Though I was happy for her, I couldn't even muster congratulations.  Not yet at least.  I was waiting for some of the sting of my failure to go away.  I know she understands though, she has been through this before.  Well, I waited too long and here lies the guilt.

This friend of mine lost her sweet peanut yesterday at fourteen weeks.  Now, the pain I feel for her is more than I can bear.  Going through cycle after cycle of IVF and having it finally work and then having that taken from you is something I cannot even imagine.  Yes, I have had miscarriages, but none like this after so much she put her body through and her thinking she finally overcame this battle and then this.  This road that we are on does not seem fair.  I cannot wrap my mind around the pain some must go through in order to have a child. My heart breaks for her and I cannot stand that at this moment, she is going through this most difficult heartache.  It will get better though...that I know.