The Triplets

Our IVF cycle...

Two of the three "babies" that were put back into my uterus.

Under my bladder (the big black blob) is my uterus.  You can see in the middle of my uterus the babies that were put in (the lighter spots).  Okay, maybe you cannot see them, but I can see them perfectly.  :)



As you know, our first (and only so far) attempt at IVF did not end well.  After my procedure, the pictures above were compared, by me, to EVERY picture available on the internet as I compared/contrasted and generally over obsessed with whether or not our "babies" were normal.  Waiting to know if the embryos would take was a nightmare.  It was the longest wait of my life...and it only lasted 6 days.  For those 6 days though, I had triplets inside me.  Three embryos hand chosen by my doctor to hopefully give us at least one child. 

The morning we arrived for our embryo transfer we were of course optimistic, but on edge.  Before the procedure I was given Valium to relax my uterus.  The Valium mixed with my nerves and seeing Randy in his surgical outfit made me quite giggly.  As we waited to go into the transfer room we laughed and were silly, but the moment I was taken to the table, I was as serious as a heart attack.  The doctor gave us the bad news that our embryos weren't doing so well.  We had 13 eggs fertilize and by that day, we had significantly less making it.  Many had degenerated and some weren't as developed as they would like...blastocyst stage.  They grade your embryos and we had one A, a few Bs and mostly Cs.  So, Dr. Abuzeid suggested we transfer the A and two of the Bs.  He spent a few minutes discussing with us the possibility of triplets or twins or just one or none.  In a matter of moments we made the decision to transfer those three knowing that there was a possibility of triplets.  He went over the statistics with us (which are foggy, but I believe it was a 45% chance of one, 30 % chance of twins and a 15% chance of triplets) and then we were ready to go.

From the moment we were shown the picture of our "babies" in my belly, we were hooked.  They would now be referenced as the triplets and for 6 days I felt pregnant.  This is a part of the infertility insanity.  I had been trying for 2 years to get pregnant.  For me, this time was precious and oh I milked it.  I was all about the triplets.  Randy would ask me to do something and I would sigh and say, "I can't because of the triplets." Or, I'd eat an extra portion and would explain that I was eating for four.  I was so happy and would rub my belly as if I were 6 months pregnant (which I looked, due to the hyperstimulation of my ovaries). 

The day after Thanksgiving my mom, sister and I did our annual day after Thanksgiving shopping.  About half way through our trip I went to the bathroom and noticed I was spotting.  I immediately told my sister, her being an OB student, and she made me feel better saying it could be a ton of things, including implantation spotting.  Then I kind of got excited.  Maybe it was time for implantation.  I couldn't wait to get home so that I could do my internet research.  That night I convinced myself those babies were implanting.  The next day proved otherwise.

I woke up full flow, no doubt bleeding.  I high tailed it to the doctor and the nurses tried to convince me that there was a possibility it was one or even two of the embryos that were causing the period and there may still be a chance I was pregnant.  I knew though, it wasn't good.  I told them over and over I just knew it wasn't working, but they did what they were supposed to do and told me to keep my chin up and hope for the best while we waited for the blood pregnancy test to come back.

Sadly, none of the embryos made it.  We were devastated.  The triplets were gone. 

Going through IVF was an emotional roller coaster.  There were ups and downs and days that I questioned what on earth we were doing.  If you would have asked me 2 years ago if I ever thought I would do IVF, I would have said, "NO!"  I still cannot believe that I did.  Despite the feeling of loss that followed, I am happy that I did it and would do it again in a heartbeat if I felt I was ready...and had the money.  :) 

First Appointment of My Monitored/Non-Medicated Cycle!

What a day, What a day.  Phew.  I was up at 4:48 (I only set my alarm for times ending in 8) to get ready for my early morning blood work and scan.  My RE's office, IVF Michigan, begins doing ultrasounds and blood at 7am and it is first come, first serve.  I have been there sometimes behind so many women that I have had to call in to work and take the morning off because I would never get out of there in time.  So, as a precaution, I like to get there around 6:15am and just wait outside the door (I usually take papers to grade).  This morning the roads made me a little late and I was the second woman there.  Still pretty good, I was out by 7:30am. 

Did the blood work and had my ultrasound.  She first checked the lining of my uterus and then moved on to my ovaries.  Right ovary looked good.  She thought she saw a cyst, but it ended up being an artery.  I have 10 follicles on the right side.  Measurements were good...on to the left side.  I dread the left side and I hate my left ovary.  It is hidden somewhere in there and is so hard to find.  Added on to that, today's ultrasound was with small ovaries.  When they get giant during a medicated cycle, I can usually push on my stomach to move it to a spot making it easier to find.  When they are not stimulated with meds though, pushing doesn't help.  Today she tried until my eyes closed, my body was writhing, I was lifting off the table and the sweating started.  We found it for a second, but didn't get follicle counts or a size.  Oh, I am so happy when we are done with that stupid ovary.  Other than that, pretty easy.  She said after the doctor saw my scans and went over my blood work, they would call. 

I got the call later in the day and everything looks good so far.  My bloodwork is good, which it always is early on, and I go back for another scan next Friday.  :)

Sometimes I Get Pissed Off!

I am so hormonal right now and it sucks.  I hate the first day of my period.  It is a slap in the face and a cruel reminder of not being pregnant.  Day 1 is the anti-pregnancy.  It is polar opposite of being pregnant.  It makes me angry.  I hate it.

To add insult to injury, we were out shopping and as we were going through the check-out, I motioned to Randy at the trash that was walking in the door (I know, I am so mean).  A girl came in no older than 16 with, who I later found out, her grandma and a boy that appeared to have an IQ of a questionable range.  After nudging Randy to take a peek at the situation, I heard a high pitched squeal as an employee and this girl embraced in one of those, "Oh my God I haven't seen you in so long," hugs.  They took a moment to reacquaint and then the grandma said, "Can you point us in the direction of the maternity clothes, not that we are looking or anything."  Wink, wink, as she rubbed the 16 year-olds belly.  More squeals while the children (girls) giggled and laughed and shared their excitement.  Blah, blah, blah, the parents kicked the girl out of the house, she is now living with grandma and everyone is happy.  I stood pissed as I watched this train wreck taking place and thinking how unfair life is...for me and for that baby that will have those parents.  Poor kid doesn't have a chance. 

Anyway, pity party is over...time to move on.  Tomorrow I start my unmedicated, monitored cycle.  I go in tomorrow (at 7am) for baseline ultrasound and blood work.  They will be checking to see when/if I ovulate and something about luteal phase (which I know is the time after ovulation).  I have never had a monitored cycle and am excited to learn more about my body.  I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow and our course of action.

 

We All Have Bad Sperm Days...Right!?!

Today was our follow-up after the HSG and chromosomal testing.  Good news...everything still looks good!!! We thought that was very cool.

We see the fabulous doctors at IVF Michigan.  There are several locations and we go to the Flint one.  Sometimes we go to the one in Rochester for appointments and all IUI's and IVF's are also done in Rochester.  Our doctors are Dr. Abuzeid and Dr. Ashraf.  They are both pretty cool and we used to see them about equally.  Dr. Abuzeid has taken a particular "interest in our case," so now we see him more. 

Today, we came up with a plan with Dr. Abuzeid.  We have decided to take it easy for a while and be less aggressive (this is really what I want).  In doing this, there will be more tests and if those go well, a period of trying "naturally."  So, this is the protocol...

Randy will have another sperm analysis.  He has had a few, but we are doing a repeat because his sperm change each time.  First off, sperm is more than just a number.  There are a lot of other components they are looking for.  Randy has always had a crazy high number of sperm...which makes him feel like master of the universe.  Every single time they review his sperm count, I can see Randy sit back in his chair, prepare his studly grin, pull out his cigar and get ready to gloat.  Then the doctor reads the number and they give each other high-fives.  Just kidding, but his sperm count is always around 140 million whereas the average is like 60 million...he loves this.  Problem though, his first analysis showed that his semen is viscous, or thick, making it very difficult to reach an egg.  There is no way to "thin" it out...Randy asked today.  They want the viscosity to be between 0 and 1...Randy's was 4.  Very, very viscous.  His second sperm analysis showed the viscosity at 0, but his morphology was 2%.  This means only 2% of those 140 million sperm are normal.  The rest had two heads, no tails, two tails, crazy weird Homer Simpson sperm.  I asked if I would have conjoined twins if a two headed sperm fertilized one of my eggs.  They said it wouldn't happen.  I felt better.  The nurse explained to us that another sperm analysis would give us a picture of what his sperm are doing right now.  They want to do a dry sperm analysis, not a wet one.  I asked them what they meant about this because Randy only knows how to do it one way.  They explained something medical about coagulation and how they test it and it had nothing to with how Randy produces his sample.  About the above issues, she said, "We all have bad sperm days."  We laughed and Randy is thrilled to doing this test again. 

For me, we are going to be doing a monitored cycle of me all natural (which means no meds)!!!  I will go in for blood work on cycle day 3, next month.  We are going to do ultrasounds and blood work throughout to see if I ovulate and how everything looks.  If everything looks good for me and Randy's analysis, we will try naturally for 3 months.  If Randy's sperm turns out to be viscous or really low morphology or if I am not ovulating, we will have to do IUI with injectibles. 

So, another month of waiting.  Surprisingly, I am fine with it.  :)

Grrrrrrr...I Hate the Waiting Game

Well, we have no news...yet.  I have the utmost respect for doctors, but sometimes they make me angry (sorry to my sister and cousin...you are exceptional doctors).

We did the test and the doctor said he would review the films and talk to us at our follow up Tuesday.  Grrr...I know you saw on the screen whether or not they are blocked.  Just tell me.  I am so impatient.  Anyway, this was our day.

I got up and started to get ready to go to Hurley Hospital.  I did my hair and make-up and got dressed, and then I lost it.  I began crying because my hair didn't turn out cute, I am pale, I had nothing to wear and I insulted my best friend behind her back...Target, I am so sorry and I love you.  I was a mess and I have no clue why...hormones I guess.  Now, for those of you that live in the area, why was I worried about what I looked like going to Hurley??? Who knows?  I could stop showering for a week, wear shorts in the middle of winter and knock out a few teeth and still look good in that crowd.  Haha!  It was my goal though to look cute, but casual.  I am weird like that.

My husband and I have a funny relationship.  We joke around, inappropriately (at times), a lot.  He had me laughing the whole way there.  We are on a kick of saying, "Cheeeeeeseee," like from the movie Old School.  When Vince Vaughn and Luke Wilson are sitting on the couch after the big party and Jeremy Piven comes in and they remember him as, "Cheese," from high school.  We can sit and act out entire scenes from movies.  So, we were dying on the way in.  Then we start making sideways glances at each other as we people watch.  There was a lady wearing a Lucky Charms shirt, we look at her and I say, "Magically Delicious," we laugh more.  We laugh all the time and people make comments asking us what we are on, or what is in our drinks.  Some, you can tell they are annoyed, but we don't care.  He can always calm me down when I need it and this was a time I needed it (remember, I had already cried today).  

We were sent to radiology in the basement and I was told to put on a gown and sit in the waiting room.  Ummmmm...embarrassing, but okay.  So, I get into the gown and go find Randy in the waiting room and we wait for the doctor.  I now know why they prescribed an antibiotic to take before the test.  When I sat down, the gown rode up and I was sitting bare ass on a chair in the waiting room.  GROSS!!!  We giggled though and a nice nurse brought me one of those wonderful warm blankets.  They really gave me antibiotics to prevent infection because of how bad my PID is and not wanting another infection to start.  They were being proactive.  Well, this med is making me sick and the chairs were uncomfortable and The View sucked today and I was cranky.  So, we joked about the guest host on The View being a troll (btw, who the heck is Sarah Hyland?) and the nurse that went into the bathroom and never came out. 

So, my doctor finally shows up and the test takes about four seconds.  This is what I saw and my interpretation of the test (I am very close to being an infertility specialist).  I saw the dye go into my uterus and through my tubes.  I "think" I saw the dye spill out of the tubes (good sign), but he had to push it hard to get it through (painful).  He did have the nurse take extra pictures though of me on my sides (she said that this was different).  Based on what I saw, mind you at a bad angle, I think they are free and clear.  Why he wouldn't just say that to me, I don't know.  My follow-up appointment is next Tuesday.  So, again it is a waiting game. 

Easy test, mild cramps, hard wait.

So I'm a Little Weird...It Is What It Is

I am a very superstitious, number crazy, looking for signs person.  Take odd numbers; I hate them.  The volume on the TV has to be an even number; I only use even numbered check-outs at the store...even if I have to wait.  I'm just "odd" like that...haha!  I also see things that happen as signs.  For example, I ordered an infertility bracelet when getting pregnant felt like it was at its bleakest.  I got the bracelet and the very next day, I was talking to a nurse at the doctors and everything for IVF fell in place.  It was a sign.  Then, days before our IVF embryo transfer, the bracelet broke.  I knew at that moment it wasn't going to work, even though I tried to convince myself otherwise, I just knew.

So, last week I started my period and had to call the doctor to set up the HSG test (to see if my tubes are clear or back to blocked).  I got to work and knew I had to wait until the afternoon to call, I am a teacher and have no morning planning time.  Our principal emailed me to let me know that she had a meeting on the 16th and had to change our student planning meetings to the following 23rd.  Fine.  So, I called the doctor to set up my appointment that has to be done on a certain day in your cycle.  That day happens to be the 16th (tomorrow).  First thought...IT IS A SIGN!!!!!  Had the student planning meetings stayed the 16th, I wouldn't have been able to have the test done this month and I would have had to wait a whole month to try to "hit" the day in the next cycle.  So, I think it is good luck.  Also, my appointment is the 16th of the 2nd month (two even numbers) and 16/2 is 8 which is my lucky number.  So, I am expecting GREAT news tomorrow!

Okay, so now I am in bed, excited about tomorrow.  This will be the determining factor as to what we do next, if anything.  If they are blocked, it is surgery or IVF again (neither of which I am ready to do at this time).  If they are clear, we will discuss IUI.  Either way, I am hoping for the best, but prepared for the worst.  At this point, every possible test we have taken has come out bad in one way or another, so we are used to the disappointments, but that is what makes us strong!

Here's to good news!!!

Where We Are...Right Now

Since our failed IVF (in vitro fertilization) attempt in November, we have been in limbo as to what to do next.  Last month we had an appointment with our reproductive specialist.  He was very optimistic as he discussed what to do next.  We though, have limitations to what we can and even want to do. 

The doctor first discussed another surgery to see what was going on inside.  I have Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID) which has wreaked havoc on my insides.  PID has caused adhesions on my fallopian tubes, uterus, ovaries and liver.  I also have issues with cysts, polyps and endometriosis.  Because of all these issues, I may not be able to get pregnant naturally.  Surgery gives a clear picture of what is going on in there and enables him to fix anything that has popped up since last surgery.  I though, quickly shot down another surgery.  I am not ready for that again.  The surgery is painful and recovery isn't fun.  I need a break from pain and no fun.  :)

Another attempt at IVF was also mentioned.  That for us isn't an option right now either.  Physically and mentally we are not ready…financially we aren’t ready too (IVF is expensive).  When going through IVF, they put you on meds that make it so your body produces lots and lots of eggs.  Some women hyperstimulate and it causes other problems.  I hyperstimulated causing fluid to leak into my belly and chest and gained 15 lbs in like 2 days. This put so much pressure on my lungs making it hard to breathe.  I basically moved into my doctor’s office to be put on IV meds to get me to drain the fluid.  During those days I was cursing IVF and saying that, "I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy."  Then, there is the mental part of IVF.  The rollercoaster of emotions is a lot to bear.  You start so optimistic, there is no other way, and then reality starts to set in that this may not work.  The medicines make you feel unstable and on edge.  They also make you excited because you know they are the key to making this work.  Often you go in for ultrasounds to measure your egg sizes.  So, you are up early and at the clinic worried about what they will find.  If it is a good ultrasound, it makes for a good day.  Then there is the day they say your eggs are "smaller" than they'd like to see and your world crumbles.  We were lucky and had lots of mature eggs, had our hopes up that it was going to go well.  Then on the transfer table, we were given some bleak news.  Then you are given pictures of your "babies" all nice in the uterus and you are back up and excited and then for us, 6 days later, we knew we had failed.  I told the doctor I wasn't ready to talk IVF again, yet.

We talked to our doctor about what we are willing to do...

So, we decided, we would do chromosomal testing on Randy.  There is a 2-5% chance that his sperm have issues that would make conception more difficult.  Not impossible, but difficult.  This was an easy blood test, well; he is a man so he did complain and showed me the pin prick in his arm...oh, poor baby.  I have track marks on my arms from having blood taken so many times, but back to the test, something we are willing to do at this time.  Easy and covered by our insurance.  Double plus!

We also decided to do another hysterosalpingogram (HSG) to get a picture of my uterus and fallopian tubes.  This isn't a horrible procedure, just uncomfortable.  They push a dye into your uterus and up through your fallopian tubes while doing an x-ray.  If the dye pushes through the tubes and spills out, your tubes are open. If it doesn't spill out, your tubes are blocked.  My first HSG showed 100% blockage in both tubes, fingers crossed for a better outcome this time.  The HSG has to be done on certain days of your cycle.  So, I had to wait until my period started to set it up.  Well, today was that lovely day, so tomorrow I will be on the phone to the doctor getting that appointment.  I am excited because my RE (reproductive endocrinologist) is doing the test himself this time.  Last time I was sent to a lab and some doctor I never met did the test.  I love both my RE's, so I am happy about that. 

These two tests will likely lead us to what we will do next.  We have a "let's talk" appointment with our doctor February 22nd.  By then we will have the results of Randy's chromosomal testing and know whether or not my tubes are blocked.   Until then, it is a waiting game and you know what they say...waiting is the hardest part.

Heartbreak and Guilt

Being infertile is complicated.  Mostly emotionally complicated.  Finding someone who is infertile and going through the same treatments as you is a gift.  All of a sudden you are new best friends and confiding everything with each other.  I was fortunate to have three wonderful women, who were acquaintances of mine, go through infertility treatments at around the same time.  Then there was that one person who was only two days ahead of me during my IVF cycle.  She was on her third try and I was on my first.  She was a wealth of knowledge and we spoke in a code only an infertility person can speak in.  We spent early mornings at the clinic together talking, giggling and hopeful.  We spoke of how fun it would be when our babies would be due only two days apart.  It was nothing but optimism and full support of each other.  I was imagining how wonderful our new friendship would be when this was over.  To me, there were only two ways this could turn out.  Either we both would get pregnant or neither of us would get pregnant.  It was a hard hit though when option three came.

We all know that I did not get pregnant.  I was heartbroken.  It is more difficult than you know.  Well, my friend did get pregnant.  Don't get me wrong.  I was happier for her than I can even put into words.  She deserved this so, so, so much, but like I said, in this "game" it is very emotionally difficult.  Though I was happy for her, I couldn't even muster congratulations.  Not yet at least.  I was waiting for some of the sting of my failure to go away.  I know she understands though, she has been through this before.  Well, I waited too long and here lies the guilt.

This friend of mine lost her sweet peanut yesterday at fourteen weeks.  Now, the pain I feel for her is more than I can bear.  Going through cycle after cycle of IVF and having it finally work and then having that taken from you is something I cannot even imagine.  Yes, I have had miscarriages, but none like this after so much she put her body through and her thinking she finally overcame this battle and then this.  This road that we are on does not seem fair.  I cannot wrap my mind around the pain some must go through in order to have a child. My heart breaks for her and I cannot stand that at this moment, she is going through this most difficult heartache.  It will get better though...that I know.

Diva Moment

After seeing a reproductive endocrinologist, he immediately wanted to do surgery to unblock both of my blocked tubes, remove a septum in my uterus and remove more scar tissue/endometriosis.  This would be my second surgery during this whole infertility mess.  I decided to do the surgery over spring break so that I didn't have to take time off work...and because I was keeping it a secret from most. 

This would be the 6th surgery I have had in my life.  All 5 others had been at a suburban hospital which I would compare to the Taj Mahal of hospitals.  This surgery would be at an urban hospital.  I didn't mind at all until I showed up the morning of my surgery.  I was put in a room WITH another patient.  They were talking about being at the bar all night and the dad was drunk, it was a mess.  I complained to my husband that I have like the best insurance in the world, want my own room, I don't belong here.  So, so DIVA.  Don't judge, I was about to have surgery and thoughts cannot be contained.  The nurse could sense this and was so, so nice.  She promised me a private room after surgery without me even asking.

This hospital was so different.  They didn't give me my happy meds before being wheeled to surgery.  At the other hospital, I have no memory of ever being wheeled into surgery because of the happy meds.  This time they wheeled me away from my husband with me being perfectly lucent.  So, inevitably, I cried and cried the whole way to the operating room.  The nurses were so nice though and outside the door of the operating room, gave me my happy meds, held my hand, and assured me how great my doctor is, how he worked miracles and how soon it would be that I would be out of it.

Surgery lasted three hours.  I woke up in the recovery area.  I was in so much pain and was given lots of pain meds, so I was pretty much out of it.  Then my bed was getting bumped and shoved.  I was more than annoyed.  Then I heard yelling and nurses pushing my bed over and doctors being called over.  The guy next to me was yelling that the medical staff was trying to kill him.  I was back to crying.  Come to find out, this guy was high as a kite, shot himself in the arm, and was now pulling out his intubation tube.  Diva moment #2, get me the heck to my private room. 

Everything after this I have no idea.  I don't know if I ever made it to a private room.  I don't think I ever talked to my doctor.  I don't know how I got in the car and I don't remember getting home.  I did later learn, after those drugs wore off a bit, that the surgery went great.  Both my tubes were now clear, they removed 3 uterine polyps, lots of scar tissue, cut out the septum in my uterus and I left the hospital with a lovely balloon holding my newly shaped uterus in place with a catheter taped to my thigh leaking blood into a maxipad also taped to my thigh.  What a joy the next week would be!

Hope

Many know, and many do not know, what I have done in the past two years to have a first child with my husband.  For the first year, I kept my infertility a secret from most and in the past year I have begun to open up and tell little by little our plight.  Here is a glimpse at what we have done so far to get pregnant.  Enjoy!

The path we have taken:

November (Thanksgiving Day) 2008 ~ Miscarriage.  :(

December 2008 ~ We optimistically begin trying to get pregnant.

December 2008 to June 2009 ~ We unsuccessfully try to get pregnant.

June 2009 ~ Told that I was infertile.  Not ovulating.

August 2009 ~ Started Clomid with HCG trigger shot.

August 2009 to January 2010 ~ Still not pregnant despite many months of high dosages of Clomid.

January 2010 ~ Post Coital Exam shows my cervical mucous is killing sperm.

January 2010 ~ Laparoscopic Surgery.  Endometriosis, cysts and adhesions removed.  Also have Pelvic Inflamatory Disease (caused by sepsis occuring due to appendicitis).

February 2010 ~ Post Coital Exam #2 (after interventions to keep my cervical mucous from killing sperm).  All sperm dead...still!!!!  Boohoo!

March 2010 ~ Hysterosalpingogram (HSG).  Test to determine if fallopian tubes are blocked...my test showed 100% blockage in both tubes.  Lovely.  No way egg could have ever made it to uterus.

April 2010 ~ First visit with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (infertility specialist).  Two weeks later, I was having another Laparoscopy and a Hysteroscopy.  Unblocked both tubes, removed more adhesions, removed 3 uterine polyps, removed the septum in my misshapen uterus and inserted a balloon to reshape my uterus.  Balloon removed a week after surgery.  Three hours of surgery and I looked good inside. 

August 2010 ~ Intrauterine Insemination (IUI or artificial insemination).  Nine big, beautiful eggs.  Didn't work.  :(

November 2010 ~ In Vitro Fertilization.  Retrieved 17 eggs, 13 fertilized, 3 were put back in, none made it to freezing and none took.  BIG FAT NEGATIVE! 

January 2011 ~ Follow up with RE (reproductive endocrinologist).  Hubby sent to have chromosomal testing.  I am having another HSG (to see if my tubes have closed again) next month.  Dr. is extremely optimistic.  We shall see.

So, there you have the cliff's notes of our last two years.  As you can imagine, the physical and emotional strain of my infertility has been dificult to say the least.  I have pushed my body to it's limit and thus far have nothing but scars to show for it.

I have a love for our future child that I would move mountains for.  I have said from the beginning that I would do everything I possibly could to get pregnant.  I would have no regrets and no "what ifs?". 

"Never let go of hope.  One day you will see that it all has finally come together.  What you have always wished for has finally come to be.   You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself...'How did I get through all of that?'"  -Unknown

Through this blog, I will detail the above procedures and then add as we find out our future.